[This was not written by me but by I friend who wishes to remain anonymous. I realize it falls under taking a sledgehammer to an ant, but sometimes ants deserve to be crushed with excessive force. This one certainly does.]
You know, there’s a certain kind of political radical that, observed from a safe distance, is actually funny. In particular, I’m referring to political radicals who evidently believe that the best stimulant of coherent thought is drugs, preferably consumed in quantities that would be life-threatening to a horse. I was reminded of such radicals when I first started hearing about a certain Facebook group, even now being very correctly mocked by dozens of other people online. That said, I can never pass up the opportunity to do a nice line-by-line dismantling, and this group is just begging for it. So, with my comments in bold italics, I humbly present to you:
Day Of Rage (America)
Hint: If you have to stipulate the location of the movement in a subscript, that might be an indication that you’re using a clichéd name for that movement. It’s like seeing a movement called “The Boxer Rebellion 2: This Time It’s Personal”.
About: We believe that Egypt is just the start.
Two clichéd lines in as many items! Since the political situation in Egypt is completely different from the political situation in America, it’s hard to know what they think they’re getting at. Then again, they only said they BELIEVE Egypt is just the start. They can also believe that their walls talk to them and secretly spawn jelly beans.
Of course, they didn’t actually specify what about Egypt was the start. For all we know, this has nothing to do with a revolution. They just believe Egypt was the start of complex embalming methods in the Middle East and thought we should know.
Description: We are calling for all revolutionaries to stand up.
And then sit back down when you realize that standing up didn’t actually change anything. Good exercise for the legs, this revolutionary stuff.
On March 12th, we want all revolutionaries, youth, communists, socialists, and anarchists to stand together.
Some of the further flung members may want to set out on March 10th or 11th to make sure they get there on time. Out of curiosity, when did youth become a political group? And, deplorable though teenagers can be at times, isn’t it a little harsh to make them stand around with communists and socialists? But seriously, I think that George Washington might have taken umbrage with the assertion that revolutionaries are automatically communists. Hey, at least they’re YOUNG communists.
Not that communist governments afford many opportunities for becoming old, of course. Which is why in a sane world, a call for all the communists and socialists in America to stand together would need maybe a high school gymnasium to host it, at worst.
To stand against the imperialist American.
To stand against oppressive grammar rules against sentence fragments! Actually, read that again. Apparently, they’re standing against just one imperialist American. That’d be Ted, of course, in Wyoming, but since he found Real Time Strategy games he’s made some good progress.
Note: I keep hearing that America is imperialist. I count fifty states and a few, really tiny, assorted territories. You’ll be interested to know that none of them are Vietnam or Iraq. See, an actual imperialist country takes territories and then doesn’t give them back. That’s kind of crucial to the whole imperial thing. “Cultural Imperialism” is just how communists explain why the failure of their policies is America’s fault.
To stand against the capilitalists(sic) that our(sic) exploiting our workers.
Apparently workers automatically belong to them. And only they can exploit their workers. Capitalists (Oh, I beg your pardon: “capilitalists”) might actually pay them in return. These guys will tell them being exploited is for the good of the state.
Right to jobs, right to housing, right to healthcare.
Left to Kitchen Equipment and Canned food. Straight forward and then around the little curve by the fountain to the bathrooms.
Typical communists. I especially like Right To Jobs. Reminds me of Ayn Rand’s “Anthem”. Fear a society with a right to jobs, because that means that whatever the government wants you to do, you get to do, regardless of whether you have any talent in that area or whether you hate to do it. This sort of society is one where a man like Einstein gets handed a career selling fish. You can say, oh, no, they’ll have intelligence tests to prevent that sort of thing, but you’re depending on the efficiency of a bureaucracy that extends to every person in the country. That’s suicidally optimistic.
We must rise up my fellow Americans.
With an additional comma, that might actually be asking us to rise up. As it stands, it is a personal appeal for us to find a way to levitate all the people he considers his fellow Americans. If he means Communists, I sincerely wish I could. Say, into the jetstream.
We can truly live the dream.
Really, do you ever do anything else except live in a dream?
Clean Energy, is a reality that we as youth must embrace.
I… what? Clean Energy? Where did that come from?
OK, well, at least we found out where the comma from the earlier sentence went. A few clarifying questions:
A) How many people actually thought Clean Energy was fake? We know it exists. It’s just too laughably inefficient to be USEFUL for anything.
B) So, as long as we aren’t youth, we’re allowed to keep ignoring Clean Energy with icy disdain, right?
C) Really, what is a youth anyway? Do we just line up the toddlers for the compulsory hug of a solar panel and call it a day? Or should we wait until people are old enough to go through sex ed first? I’m not sure they should be embracing Energy without protection, I don’t care if it says it’s “clean.”
Our government must change it’s ways or we will change it for them.
You know, the proletariat could benefit from an English class. I’m interested to know what they mean by “Our government must change it is ways…”. Also, apparently they do not intend to change multiple ways, but rather one single item called a “ways”, heaven knows what that’s supposed to be.
And yes, 160-odd idiot teens are really threatening the American government. I think it would be more intimidating if Lichtenstein declared war on us. But hey, at least they have a battle strategy. Step one: Implement only clean energy, thus crippling the infrastructure. Step two: Give random people jobs they’re totally unqualified for to compensate for the sudden collapse. Stuff people into houses acquired by the glorious revolution in the style of eminent domain, only without any crass capitalist compensation. If they become sick in the overcrowding, send them to a person you just made a doctor three days ago, thus ending all their complaints permanently.
Hey, it worked so well under Stalin. Why not try it again?
Mission: A utopian society built on clean energy, peace for all, a classless society, freedom, and justice.
Communism… now with twice the “society”! The double assurance is there so that, when people are rioting because Central Planning has decided they don’t really need to eat, you’ll still be able to tell yourself it’s a society. Redundant nouns are the good revolutionary’s best defense defense against evil capitalists.
First, some trivia: did you know that utopia literally means “nowhere”? Reading this, the first response that comes to mind is: “Thank heavens.”
Second: this isn’t a bad mission statement, except that they forgot the bit about inventing magic to make all that actually work. Still, since their plans seem likely to kill everyone in the nation, let’s run down the list.
+Clean Energy– Well, no, but dead people don’t use electricity, so it’s a wash.
+Peace for All– As in “rest in”, but yeah.
+A Classless Society– One dead person is pretty much like another.
+Freedom– Well, let me put it this way: you can’t imprison dead people, and you really don’t want to try.
+Justice– Of the “final judgment” variety, but I guess it still counts.
Hey, look at that… I’ve finally figured out how communists intend to deliver on these strings of vapid buzz-words.
I always feel a little upset when I see a group that’s so antithetical to everything America was founded on appropriating token American goals like “justice” and “freedom” so they can woo people by pretending their monolithic dream states could ever fulfill them. It’s kind of depressing. So to lighten the mood, I’ll end with a joke.
In Russia, Facebook leaves comments on you.
Comments
3 responses to “Day of Rage 2: This Time It’s Personal!”
Whoever wrote this is a genius, and I am honored to have it grace this site!
Thank you!
Agree with Eric. It would be more readable if the headings were bold and the response plain text.
“In Russia, Facebook leaves comments on you.”
Ouch. But I think the fall of communism in the Soviet Union might have begun with a similar joke – cynical as it was, and starting with the anti-capitalist propaganda.
“Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s vice-versa.”
It worked because it started with “commonly known facts (from what they were taught). And ended with commonly know facts (from their own experience.) I love jokes like that. That take people’s instilled beliefs and…just twist a tiny bit.