America’s crime problem is more serious than I realized!

A lot of people complain about how easy it is to become a felon, and a couple of recent incidents hammer this point home.

Did you know that in America, you can become a felon by letting go of balloons?

A 40-year-old man faces felony charges after releasing a dozen heart-shaped, helium-filled balloons to impress his sweetheart. Unluckily for Anthony Brasfield, a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper was also watching.

The concern is that the balloons will eventually fall to earth, where they might harm the environment and be eaten by turtles. As a turtle lover, I can understand the concern, and even though I am a bit skeptical, I nonetheless do not plan to let go of balloons in the foreseeable future. But a felony? It would never occur to me to treat what amounts to littering as a felony. Our betters, however, are the ones who decide which crimes are so serious that we should lose our rights (including the right to vote and the right to keep and bear arms) for committing them.

And if you think releasing balloons is such a dastardly and wicked crime that it should be a felony, then by all means you will love the next one.

Did you know that in America, you can become a felon by sneaking into a second multiplex theater after paying for and watching a different movie?

The married couple went to the movies Saturday night at a multiplex in Portage, Indiana, where they watched “Snitch,” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. When the action flick ended, the Harbins exited theater #13 and headed into theater #15, where the zombie film “Warm Bodies” was about to start.

The Harbins, however, had not purchased $6.75 tickets to the second movie, which resulted in the duo’s arrest for felony theft, according to a Portage Police Department report.

I read the police report, and by God, they had them dead to rights!

Just as I don’t condone releasing balloons, I also do not condone seeing movies without paying for them.

Er, I guess I misspoke. Years ago I suggested a substantially similar method for those who wanted to see Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 911, but who didn’t want to enrich Moore:

Jim advises those opposed to the film to “get one of your left-wing friends to pay for the ticket for you so you aren?t supporting Moore financially.” Here’s a better way to handle the financial issue; go to one of those huge Metroplex style theaters, and buy a ticket for some other movie. Then, simply “infiltrate” your way in to the Moore monstrosity. I may get around to seeing it, but I have low tolerance for excessive propaganda these days…. Besides, I already have a pretty good idea of what, and how Moore thinks.

Geez. Was I advocating a felony?

Fortunately, the statute of limitations has run on my crime, but see how easy it is to get in trouble?


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14 responses to “America’s crime problem is more serious than I realized!”

  1. Alan Kellogg Avatar

    Since the courts obviously have nothing better to do with their time, may I suggest a full employment for court workers measure? In which everybody goes out and breaks some silly ass law and gets prosecuted for it.

    Also expand the prison construction now going on, and hire more correctional officers. Since we don’t need money to print money, we should be able to afford it.

    Best yet, once all Americans are convicted felons the 2nd amendment will be a nothing.

  2. Kathy Kinsley Avatar
    Kathy Kinsley

    Hey Alan – good to see you are still around. And in fine form, as usual. I can’t think of one thing to add to your suggestion. 😉

    On a more serious note, the gun control measures do need to be stopped, if you are in a state bowing to the Fed’s suggestions. Not amended. Not softened. STOPPED.

  3. Kathy Kinsley Avatar
    Kathy Kinsley

    I suspect you understand why, considering your third sentence. 😛

  4. Veeshir Avatar

    There are so many problems with that, the biggest is not what our political betters would like.

    They like it that they can arrest us if we come under their notice, Eric, you’re being facetious, but imagine if you had had some over-officious jerk mad at and you and he was that and had you arrested for conspiracy to commit a felony?

    It’s worked out well for the gov’t for a bunch of years, but now they’ve gone too far, way too far, so they’ve reduced the respect for the rule of law to near zero.

    In a nation of laws, not men, that’s not good.

  5. PromptCritical Avatar
    PromptCritical

    The comments are pretty sad on that page. A lot of “A felony?!” answered by “Who gives a shit? They’re thieves.”

    Why not make it death? Or is the loss of much of what value being a citizen has simply not that important anymore?

  6. Will Avatar
    Will

    Looking on the bright side, it seems to have been a good year for convicting Illinois’ and other State’s Politicians.
    Meanwhile felons (that have $500K) can beat the rush and book their quarterly appeal meetings now because they may not be available later for the 2016 pardoning season.

  7. Eric Scheie Avatar

    “Why not make it death?”

    Hmmm…. I suppose if we look at the big picture, in certain parts of the world, the pair would be subject to having their hands amputated. To us it sounds creepy, but if we consider the kind of people who want disproportionate reprisals, might that severe “law and order” meme account for at least some of the popularity of Islam?

  8. chocolatier Avatar
    chocolatier

    Releasing mylar balloons in California and many other states is illegal – and for good reason. It has nothing to do with turtles. Mylar balloons are metallic, and they sometimes fly into electric transmission wires, causing blackouts, sometimes over a wide area. Laws requiring balloon weights on mylar balloons is not crazy.

  9. Eric Scheie Avatar

    The man was charged with a felony crime against the environment.

    http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2013-02-22/news/fl-helium-balloon-environmental-crime-20130222_1_helium-balloon-fhp-trooper-wood-storks

    ***QUOTE***
    Brasfield was charged with polluting to harm humans, animals, plants, etc. under the Florida Air and Water Pollution Control Act.

    Endangered marine turtle species and birds, such as wood storks and brown pelicans, seek refuge in John U. Lloyd State Park, about 1.5 miles east of the motel.

    Between 2008 and 2012, the Florida Department of Law Enforcement said there were 21 arrests statewide under the rarely used environmental crime statute. The third-degree felony is punishable by up to five years in prison.
    ***END QUOTE***

  10. Will Avatar
    Will

    “Laws requiring balloon weights on mylar balloons is not crazy.”
    Making everything a felony is.
    “Geez. Was I advocating a felony?”
    Probably, including criminal conspiracy.
    In Texas you can commit quite a few felonies trying throw a clambake, or selling the seeds of your prize orchids.

  11. […] America's crime problem is more serious than I realized! […]

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  13. JB Avatar
    JB

    There is already a de facto death penalty for all crimes real or imagined. You just decide you don’t want to interact with the police when they want to interact with you. boom, you’re dead. case closed. What a Country!