Jonathan Rauch has post I consider a must-read, titled “Caring for Your Introvert — The habits and needs of a little-understood group.” I admire his courage for admitting to his introversion. (If I am an introvert, I would never admit it! Things like that are best kept it in the closet!)
Excerpt:
My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.
Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.
What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say “Hell is other people at breakfast.” Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
See, finding other people tiring is the kind of thing that can’t be admitted, because it would be rude. And few things are more stressful to an introvert than having to be rude. So introverts must suffer in silence.
Extroverts, OTOH, thrive on contact with other people, don’t mind being rude, and if left alone, they will reach for the cell phone! Doubtless they would adjudge people who don’t see the world the same way as wimps or as people to be put on the right meds:
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially “on,” we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: “I’m okay, you’re okay–in small doses.”
That presents a contradiction for introverted bloggers, because the need to be alone with your thoughts is incompatible with sharing them with the world.
Whether it’s a good idea for introverts to come out of the closet is debatable, but I guess it is better than succumbing to drug abuse and depression.
Rauch notes that introverts are 25% of the population, which is problematic. It strikes me that the most predictable consequence of that would be the social stigmatization of introversion, thus causing introverts to band together in mutual support systems. Group dynamics being what they are, such support systems would be defensive in nature and could be expected to be with a whole host of symptoms which the extroverted majority would term “antisocial.” Fellow misfits could then unite in their misfitdom!
Wonderful. Sounds like a new identity politics politics growth industry!
Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics–Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon–is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I’ve read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered “naturals” in politics.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, “Don’t you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?” (He is also supposed to have said, “If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.” The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)
Took the words right out of my mouth. I better shut up lest I start repeating how much I hate repeating myself again.
There is nothing more exhausting than being an extrovert.
No, I take that back completely. What would be more exhausting than that would be to be a self-hating, closeted introvert who is forced into being an extrovert.
An introvert trapped in an extrovert’s body, if you will.
Extroverts have little pity for such people, and why would they?
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. “People person” is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like “guarded,” “loner,” “reserved,” “taciturn,” “self-contained,” “private”–narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Strong and silent?
Hmmm…. That’s hardly consistent with blogging, is it?
The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves.
I think there are a lot of people who don’t listen to either themselves or each other so much as they parrot the stock phrases that they are expected to parrot. The thing is, both introverts and extroverts do this in order to survive socially. So how do you tell who is “sincere” in their parroting? This is especially true in politics. Lots of times I hear people say something and then when I take the time to talk to them about it I find they really haven’t thought about it much; they’ve heard it and repeated it, and they aren’t all that capable of defending it. Whether that means they don’t think it — that’s a huge can of worms, because lots of people hear and pass on things they agree with, but they’re just not articulate enough to defend. Is it too much to ask of people that their thoughts actually be their own thoughts? Because, I hate the way Post-Modernist liberals (as well as some conservatives) claim that people’s thoughts are not really theirs, and whenever I see evidence which tends to confirm it, I want to run away screaming. For I want to give people credit or blame for thinking what they think, whatever it is.
I think thoughts should be the fault of the people who think them.
This question may have less to do with extroversion and introversion than following and leading. Are extroverts “leaders?” Are introverts “followers?” Or are introverts only pretending to be led in the hope of being left alone? I suspect that’s the case, and that in order to be a “real” follower, you have to be an extrovert. And while most introverts would abhor being leaders, I suspect that there are some who would only become leaders so that they could better make order out of the chaos and suffering which introversion causes in the hope of being left alone by the extroverts. Imagine, introverts leading extroverts!
What could suck more than that?
MORE: If, as I suspect, only extroverts are the real followers, while introverts are only pretending to follow, what are the political implications?
Comments
16 responses to “Overcoming introversion. Is the cure worse than the disease?”
Introverts have this tendency to become leaders-by-default: no-one else is doing something that has to be done, so the introvert steps in and does it. Speaking as one of them…
Introverts are also more likely to be the kind of leader who steps down when the need is met. Oh, and introverts have a tendency to think about things (not always, and certainly not all introverts), where a lot of extroverts seem to be spending all their time avoiding thought.
Of course, I’m possibly too weird to comment – On Myers-Briggs I come down 100% introvert, with all three other categories split pretty evenly depending on my mood when I take the test.
Mathematicians, physicists and so forth can go for a year at a time without human contact and not miss it.
It’s not anti-sociality at all, just a greater interest in something else.
No lack is felt, you could put it.
I’m an extrovert by nature but I’ve found that people are jerks so I avoid them.
So I guess I’m a situational introvert.
I like the people I like fine, it’s just that so many people are not “Live and let live” types and I don’t like dealing with that type.
I cannot understand having a problem with someone who isn’t giving you a hard time.
I’m often a real A-hole, but I try to only be that way with people who deserve it. Which means I’ve often given someone the benefit of the doubt long after I shouldn’t and been burned.
I will say that this seems like a perversion of the meaning of “introvert” though (I’m not saying you’re perverting the meaning, but “they” are).
Introverts avoid people because they’re afraid of all people. Extra shy people in other words.
Maybe that’s just “agoraphobic” or something.
I know a girl who went to Amsterdam with my brother, (gay brother, he went for the brothels and pot, she went for the pot), she spent the whole time in the hotel room.
Now I would class her as an introvert not me, but I would probably be classed one according to what’s above.
Eric,
Thanks for the link!
Veeshir,
My mate and I were discussing this the other day. I told her that my arrogance was a cover for my shyness. I do one of two things in a new group – stay silent and don’t move or turn on the arrogance and take charge by dominating the conversation – at minimum.
We both laughed because it was true. Arrogance as a coping skill.
I am a hermit because others need more interaction than I am comfortable giving. Leave me alone and I am happy as a clam.
Introvert all the way. Even to the flip-flop when it’s ideas and high-content stuff being discussed vice the weather. I can “put on a mask” and “act” sociable for a while at parties, but *shrug*
M. Simon, I’m similar.
But I generally only get all arrogant when someone else attacks me instead of what I say. I’ll play nice with anybody until they attack me personally or after I’ve proved I’m right and instead of admitting they’re wrong they take ill-mannered, cheap “humor” shots at me.
I get “That’s ignorant” from a lot of people when I say something that’s against what everybody knows (like global worming), I get very aggressive after that and make their ignorance blatant.
I’m an A-hole to those who deserve it.
As I said, I give the benefit of the doubt long after I should, but once I realize I shouldn’t have, it’s very hard to get my trust again and you don’t get the benefit of the doubt until they’ve really earned it.
I’m with Kate.
“Introverts have this tendency to become leaders-by-default: no-one else is doing something that has to be done, so the introvert steps in and does it. Speaking as one of them…
Introverts are also more likely to be the kind of leader who steps down when the need is met. Oh, and introverts have a tendency to think about things (not always, and certainly not all introverts), where a lot of extroverts seem to be spending all their time avoiding thought.”
I keep getting dumped in “leadership positions” because of that (lamentable, IMO) tendency “the introvert steps in and does it.”
Fortunately, the “step down when the need is met” disconcerts the rest of them enough that they leave me alone until the next emergency.
Kathy K,
I feel your pain. Cleaning up after everyone else’s shit because SOMEONE has to do it and everyone else is looking sideway has gotten me neck deep in the stuff way too often.
Maybe I should be cleaning up with high-powered weaponry instead of a shovel?
Nice discussion.
I’m now wondering whether the Tea Party movement consists in large part of fed up introverts.
There are actually nearly as many introverted CEOs (by Myers-Briggs terms) as extroverted. Personality type says more about where your energy comes from and your given strengths than where you will end up. Some people over-use strengths and don’t compensate for weaknesses where they lack energy. I’m an introvert, but I can be reasonably charming and outgoing at a party. I just find it tiring.
Get Off My Lawn!
This reminds me of something (an introvert like myself) says, “There are two kinds of people – quiet people, and loud people. Loud people do not understand quiet people. Quiet people understand loud people all too well.”
Eric a few things:
1. That Rauch piece in Atlantic is from 2003, sir. Not recent piece.
2. The fake quote he gives for from Sartre was made up faux quote Rauchina humor re “hell is other people at breakfast” — JPS never said such a thing. he said Hell is Other People, ”enfer, c’est les autres.” – n’est-ce pas?
3. i have asked Rauch and Atlnatic for a correction and the NYT, sicne the NYT put that fake quote on the front page last week in worldwide intl edition and TOm Brady editor of the intl edition said he will issue a correction of the fake quote and 2003 mis-representation on Tuesday
4. GOOGLE “faux Sartre quote goes viral, 10 years later” to see my post on this at Salon and The Wrap in Hollywood
5. Jim Fallows at ATLNTC has forwarded my emails on this to Rauch but so far no dice.
6. Can you correct fake quote now, Eric?
Thanks, the real Danny Bloom, Tufts 1971, time stamp: 1949-2032
I’m quoting Rauch. He can correct himself if he is wrong.
If the true Sartre quote is actually “Hell is other people,” if anything the point is stronger, so it has little relevance to my post.
[…] The post I wrote last year about introversion was not about Sartre, but about introversion. I happen to agree with the sentiment expressed, and I like the quote enough to repeat it, because for a true introvert I think it is more than fair to say that Hell is other people at breakfast. If Sartre said “Hell is other people,” then in logic that would include other people at any place or time, including at breakfast. So by adding “at breakfast,” Sartre’s sentiment is actually watered down. Whether that is as bad as Bismarck’s widely misattributed sausage quote, I do not know. […]