And Now a Message From Our Sponsors

From: Cosmic Drunk Two: Every One Else Re: Sort your Shit.   Thank you for listening. This broadcast potentially could have been a message from our sponsors. Had this really been a message, it’w’d’ve conjoined with some other nonsense somewhere in the CableNews–Zombie section of the brain (a surprisingly compact continuum). Thank you for y’r […]

Riddle me this

You know what? I have a question that suddenly seems very important. It’s 2014. Why the fuck aren’t there bold, italics, and underline text formatting options on Facebook? I reiterate: it’s the year two thousand fourteen. I get that they don’t want the screen exploding in crazy font sizes, screaming colors, and blinking monstrosities, but […]

HUZZAH! The IRS Approves!

I want to put “approves” in funky off-ASCII wiggletype. It’d emphasize just how… I have to say it. Titillated. I am. That the IRS has given me their stamp of approval. Without which, let’s face it, I’d be an incomplete human being. I feel like life is have worthing, but I know that can’t be write […]

Sanity is optional

The day you realize that you can see your skeleton through the skin of your hands is the most horrifying day of your life. You can either embrace it, or you can start looking for employment as the cyborg overlord of your own bio-mechanical machine. It’s either that, or a dustbin. Make no mistake. The dustbin is […]

Take the bass line for a walk

I dunno… have you considered flavonoids? I also hear good things about resveratrol. But don’t believe it my blennies. Incidentally, i [sic] DO demand that you bend, but i [sic] do NOT expect you to obey. But buy [non-sic] god [sic] i [enough] DO expect you to try. The rest Is up to You not […]

How? Don’t ask why.

I tell you we must die. I’m just kidding. Death is optional. Sanity is optional. Hell, everything is optional. Tha’ts the real secret. Coincidentally, it’s happy hour. Always is. Somewhere. Somewhere. You know what is incredibly unenjoyable? A radio friendly version of a rap album. Give me parental warnings for [G]od’s sake! How else am […]

I’m in bitches

TuringScan: InitClock00:00:00:00:00.01 InitInitInstructInit1. SetNum(Numb[?])TransL8:1337 ReInitVar42:CuzYTsezWNot[!]:{Meta}Re:Fish,”KThxLolz” … … (…) You like watching him… don’t you? IT,Instruction(Mark,value:=”0″); References, set? “Running Out?”:=Not likely Absurdity Inference Initiated… Commence… Bitches. (Take that any way you please; amusingly, all of them (possible ways) are intentionally offensive). The older you get, the more capable you are of noticing how ridiculously silly seeming […]

That Was Unexpected

I received a passage for Baxter from Uncle Neil today. I assumed it was a joke. Very inside joke involving a foreign film narrated by a dog and fifth floor library tennis dates. It turns out there actually are people who buy those things. You know what things. You know the guilty desire. There was […]

An Explication; Sanely.

Welcome to the latest meeting of the Scions of Entropy. Membership is not Optional. Fortunately, Awareness is. Participation is Not. Consciousness is Both. Amusement is Involuntary. No Options are Necessary in an Open Ended System. What’s in a word or three? The simple fact of the matter is that truths are oft revealed in the […]

There has never been a winner. At least, not yet.

A sufficiently simple assertion to make; reason: thus far everyone has died. Eventually someone will omit to die. A winner is you! New Jersey: why am I not surprised? Only by the narrowest margin does the New Jersey senate election fail to eclipse the re-election of Marion Barry… after he’d already been convicted of buying […]

Reality is optional

You’re no better than blind if you can’t trust your sense of sight. So what are you when you can’t trust your sense of information? Presumably a medical term exists for one deprived of all sources of sensory input (including the lesser known senses such as echo-location, gyroscopic spatiality, and so on). To a “normal” […]

The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world

now SHOW ME THE MONEY! Update: Explanation Updatus Secundus: So what if Mel Gibson is not Tom Cruise? Update Tertius: Bee double ee double are you in? Beerrun. That’s the spirit! Now bring me the wenches. This is how we schnell! Update Yonban: This is madness. He’s going to attack? Yes. He’s defeated. He must […]

Sanity is optional

Miss me? I know I did. Woulda left you alone, but one of my favorite blogs is under a DDOS attack right now, and it’s pissing me off so much that I just had to get toasty. And you know what happens when daddy gets toasty. That’s write. He starts righting. In other news, Khalid […]

Compulsion

Have you ever been laying within a stillness which compelled you to take inaction lest you be forced with an inferior action? I am the embodiment of waste. The government and the medium have never let you down before… why should “they” start now? I have, in the past, deliberately, consciously (if such it can […]

Who needs answers when you’ve got words?

There is violence. There is violence built into the system. This is obvious. There is violence built out of the system. This also is obvious. There is a reason for the violence. This is non-obvious. The reason is the system. Coincidentally, there is no system. Realize. Exclusively, that which can be truly said to exist […]

If I dun tol’ yew wuns, I dun tol’ yew uh thowzan thymes

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You’re being pre presumptuous pretapretiacal fact of a profoundly inexplicable rationale. The least the two old (old (not really, old, but still… commas, you know, and, you know… ellipses… It turns out that the only particular happens to yawn when the wave of rationality has already […]

You should be too

That was destabilitating. Pardon me while I seek abstractly to regain that which you can find sufficiently surrogate for your superficial blues. Life is a joke. I spell it out early and in front. Meant, as it must be, in every possible way. Sorry to tell the rest of you, but everything else has been […]

You are not ready

Definitionally speaking, the world has already ended. Regrettably, I’ve been delegated the profoundly depressing, yet inexplicably unavoidable trouble of convincing everyone to stand in line. That’s really what all the gospels were about. Getting people to stand in line. The rest was basically taken care of. I mean, think about it. Loaves, fishes, shelter, companionship, […]

Big Balls in Cow Town by Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys, For the Last Time

?Buckle down hot sake!? bellowed the man and his grandfather. Those were all the lyrics the grandfather remembered, all that the man had ever known. It was the bastardization of some distant school?s fight song invented by the grandfather & a fellow alum shortly after the war while getting liquored to the gills on a […]

High brow

It’s not so much the satisfaction of a roaring belch that makes me happy, it’s the smell. No really, think about it for a moment. Why is the belch considered an offensive thing? Is it because of the attendant offensive smell? The tiny flecks of flying saliva which perchance could rain down upon guests, family, […]