Just what the doctor ordered!

Especially if the doctor is a urologist.

I’m talking about urine-controlled video games, which are soon to be debuted in Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley IronPigs will debut the “Urinal Gaming System” in its men’s bathrooms—the custom urinals feature a “pee controlled” video screen that will entertain fans as they use the restroom.

The system is designed by a British company called Captive Media—in a demo for the urinal, the company shows a snowboarding slalom game in which the character is controlled by where the player pees.

“To turn left, pee left … to turn right, pee right,” the video says. At the end of the game (an average of about 55 seconds, according to the company’s research), players will get a code to put their score on a leader board.

But because my friend who emailed me the link pointed something else out, I feel duty obligated to ask an important question.

Aren’t these sexist?

While I’ve been belittling the silly “potty parity” meme for years, I think it’s fair to say women who are upset about bathroom gender inequality will be dismayed and outraged by this. Not only are the devices urinal (and therefore penis) based, but there is no easy way to devise a similar game for women or for disabled men who cannot score points with their penises.*

So forget it. These sexist, ADA-violating devices will simply have to be banned. Which would mean another invention down the drain. Unless the designer can come up with something gender-neutral. Like maybe “pee as you go” urine-activated internet. That would also promote species equality, because right now only dogs can send and receive pee mail, and what’s fair about that?

And what about number two? Why can’t that activate shitty new ideas?

Seriously, we need to be more creative about finding new ways for America to go to pot.

* Such disabilities include not only typical physical disabilities, but also pauresis — a social anxiety disorder so serious that there is an international association dedicated to its sufferers. Could anything possibly be more intimidating to a pee-shy person than a pee game? And what about preoperative male-to-female transsexuals? Wouldn’t penis-controlled video games be degrading and insensitive to their special needs?