In the gym the other day, I felt a bit uncomfortable because two men nearby were using the n-word. That ugly and “forbidden” word was being freely used by one man “against” the other, although not in a hostile manner. I probably shouldn’t have been concerned, because these two men were clearly friends and the fact that they happened to be black sort of made their use of the word… OK. But that’s what upset me. Is it OK for some people to use a forbidden word, but not others? And was I supposed to be listening? I was a couple of feet away, and I started to wonder whether I should say something, remain silent, pretend I didn’t hear anything, or what. I suppose I could have made it a joke and hammed it up like Sergeant Schultz (“I SEE NOTHING!” “I HEAR NOTHING!”), but they might not have thought my kidding around with their word choices especially funny, and it is not my policy to butt into the conversations of total strangers. Still, I was uncomfortable. Should I have been? I had a creepy feeling, and it was as if I had no way to avoid hearing a word I supposedly have a right not to hear — and at the same time no right not to hear. The fact that it’s a word that only some people are allowed to publicly utter compounds the problem.
I swear to God, it felt as if these two guys were deliberately using the word to make me — an unintentional “representative” of an alleged race I don’t believe in — uncomfortable. Is that rational? If so, I hate being irrational and perhaps I should address it. It is awkward to even write a blog post about it, and I normally wouldn’t have except an incident in the news seems perversely related:
Prosecutor Lindsey Weinstein said the two sisters and one of their domestic partners, Lydia Sanford, also a defendant, viciously beat the man Sunday, repeatedly punching and kicking him after he bumped them with his backpack on a stairwell.
She said the victim, who suffered a broken nose, told cops he believed the attack was “motivated as a crime because of his sexual orientation” since the three women “called him insulting homophobic slurs.”
But attorney Helene Tomlinson, who represented Sanford, told the judge her client is “openly identified as a lesbian … so any homophobic (conduct) is unwarranted.” She said the alleged victim was the aggressor and used racial slurs: “He provoked them.”
The story provides no information about what race or races were represented. Only that “homophobic slurs” were used in a gay-against-gay manner.
Let’s suppose that all of them were heterosexual and of the same race. Better yet, same race, same sex. If three black men attacked a third black man and racial slurs were exchanged, would that be a hate crime?
Can anyone explain why, and under what theory? I find this very confusing. At least as confusing as being forced to hear forbidden language in the locker room.
Should I learn to just relax and enjoy hearing “friendly” racial slurs? Or should I have complained that their language was “hateful”?
Comments
7 responses to “Hate is hate, except when it’s “friendly”!”
Just because the three women were lesbians doesn’t mean squat. Lots of lesbians HATE gay men.
And as far as the language is concerned… I don’t have any answers, except that you are completely justified in feeling a bit weird about it, but you will probably just have to grimace and bear it. I can’t imagine they would stop doing it if you said something to them, and it might even cause an altercation. I’m not sure what the gym management could do, either. But this doesn’t mean you have to accept it or become accustomed to it.
Was the gay male victim white or black? In the articles I read on this incident, the women alleged he had used “racial slurs.” That usually means the victim was white.
It seems to me that this information is extremely important, and the key to the women’s motivation, and yet this isn’t being discussed anywhere except by outliers by me.
If the victim is white, then the gay thing is a red herring. This is just black people bashing a white person, gay or not, and the allegation of racial slurs from him is probably a lie. They all say that about white people, to justify their aggression.
As for what you should do when black people use the n word in front of you, are you kidding? Hear no evil, unless you want proof of what I’m saying. Yes, I have a problem with black people, but that’s because so many of them have a problem with me.
correction 2nd paragraph, “outliers like me”
Dude
Get over being a mere white man in this stupid political climate.
I lived for almost two years in an exclusively black neighborhood.
What is “everyday” and what is “politically correct” – pronounced and enunciated – are precisely opposites.
Nature of the present political wars, with which I, for on, am done.
You guys, by whatever you call yourselves, fight it out.
My vote never mattered in my 40 years of “voter-hood” – nor will it matter this go-round.
Nor will I deign to pretend it possibly could.
It cannot.
Intentionality. Blacks can call each other niggers (no, I’m not afraid to type the evil voodoo word), whites can call each other crackers (see, I can type that too), Jews can call each other kikes (is that even a thing?) and lesbians can call each other dykes (ok I went for the cheap rhyme there).
I think it’s really only offensive when intended as offensive.
I have found that saying “that word you keep using, it makes me uncomfortable hearing it” works.