Putting Coco’s Squirrel Derangement Syndrome in perspective

Delightful as it was to read, Sarah’s recent post about squirrels reminded me that there is no end in sight to the war between Coco and the Rodentine Occupation Army, which oppresses her on a daily basis and causes her extreme mental consternation. (Seriously, she is obsessed with them, and the fact that they cannot be caught is fueling a Canine Inferiority Complex.)

Notwithstanding her lack of success in this unwinnable war, Coco has a long history as a tireless anti-squirrel activist. She may not be able to catch these awful critters, but as I said before, she does keep me safe from being attacked as others have been:

No way would Coco ever allow a squirrel to terrorize me in my own house. She patrols the yard relentlessly, always on the lookout for the slightest hint of squirrel trouble. She thinks these animals are deliberately taunting her by their very presence, and is highly sensitive to the defiant, tail-flicking behavior in which they engage. She is certain that the latter is intended as a blatant display of bigoted anti-dog triumphalism (this is not just Coco’s conspiracy theory, btw), and she takes it very personally.

At the time I wrote that, a squirrel had recently annoyed Coco with aggressive tail-flicking behavior of which I managed to get video

Nothing has changed. In many ways, things have only gotten worse. Over the weekend, there was quite a commotion directed at the kitchen window, and when went to investigate, I saw a fat, mangy-looking squirrel on top of the outdoor aquarium (now filled with snow), staring me and Coco right in the face and defiantly flicking its tail.

They are the enemy.

In England the humans know how to handle them. They do what Coco would do if she could catch them:

…in farmers’ markets, butcher shops, village pubs and elegant restaurants, squirrel is selling as fast as gamekeepers and hunters can bring it in.

“Part of the interest is curiosity and novelty,” said Barry Shaw of Shaw Meats, who sells squirrel meat at the Wirral Farmers Market near Liverpool. “It’s a great conversation starter for dinner parties.”

While some have difficulty with the cuteness versus deliciousness ratio — that adorable little face, those itty-bitty claws — many feel that eating squirrel is a way to do something good for the environment while enjoying a unique gastronomical experience.

With literally millions of squirrels rampaging throughout England, Scotland and Wales at any given time, squirrels need to be controlled by culls. This means that hunters, gamekeepers, trappers and the Forestry Commission (the British equivalent of forest rangers) provide a regular supply of the meat to British butchers, restaurants, pâté and pasty makers and so forth.

The situation is more than simply a matter of having too many squirrels. In fact, there is a war raging in Squirreltown: invading interlopers (gray squirrels introduced from North America over the past century or more) are crowding out a British icon, the indigenous red squirrel immortalized by Beatrix Potter and cherished by generations since. The grays take over the reds’ habitat, eat voraciously and harbor a virus named squirrel parapox (harmless to humans) that does not harm grays but can devastate reds. (Reports indicate, though, that the reds are developing resistance.)

Upsetting Coco is one thing, but messing with Beatrix Potter is too much!

The damned Eastern gray squirrels are, it seems, simply too successful:

A prolific and adaptable species, the eastern gray squirrel has been introduced to, and thrives, in several regions of the western United States. It has also been introduced to Britain, where it has spread across the country and has largely displaced the native Red Squirrel, Sciurus vulgaris. In Ireland, the red squirrel has been displaced in several eastern counties, though it still remains common in the south and west of the country.^[3] There are concerns that such displacement might happen in Italy and that Grey squirrels might spread from Italy to other parts of mainland Europe.^[4]

The EU is concerned, but seems powerless to stop them. And if you think that’s bad, read about the commotion (if not outright mental instability) these awful beasts are causing in Colorado, an area they have invaded and which they are now terrorizing. 

Make sense of this one if you can:

Eastern Gray Squirrel in Colorado

We live in this strange world, and we too often get what we deserve. Giant Eastern Gray Squirrel represent big business now, even the wild ones. Conservation Agencies make huge amounts of money from selling Eastern Gray Squirrel permits. Without that, they’d operate on far less revenue. Colorado and Colorado will be facing that problem soon, and eventually, so will Colorado. But should be there yet any law preventing these Eastern Gray Squirrel habitats from feeding the meat-based feed to Eastern Gray Squirrel to create huge teeth? Nope … none that I know of. this large amount of these Eastern Gray Squirrel habitat people have asserted themselves as people who live their lives according to how much money they make, without regard to the bad effect their lives and efforts have made upon the earth. But they only operate because of the lunacy of “trophy critter catching” and the extremely wealthy people who come out of the city looking for high scoring antlers, justifying their “outdoor experience.” How can any of that be accepted as critter catching. How can any of these people accept themselves and what they do? this friend of Extermination Officer Timothy says Eastern Gray Squirrels will be appearing in Denver. soon, and the pest operator wants to take him to see them. Extermination Officer Timothy should be anxious to go, the pest operator hasn’t seen the squirrels since the pest operator rode many of them in 1945. Extermination Officer Timothy was one of the small company of 101st Airborne paratroopers to return the group of squirrels which Hitler had stolen to Austrian authorities as the war concluded. The pest operator told me quite this story about it. the pest operator stated it took several seven day periods to get the squirrels where they were going, and during the trip, they had to deal with this big spring storm which flooded their camp. the pest operator stated there were about three or four dozen of the white squirrels and about this dozen squirrels of other colors. the pest operator stated they were magnificent and very tame, following the critter catchers like puppy dogs. But the pest operator stated many were hurt and all were in poor condition. the pest operator recalled putting salve on the legs of this couple of the rodents on the trip and stated that to this day, the pest operator has never seen rodents so gentle and calm. Those people who train the squirrels today will never know that in the audience watching will be one of this small handful of the surviving American critter catchers who helped rescue and return the animals’ ancestors more than 60 years ago. Denver pest control companies that we contacted felt that this issue should be an important matter.

If people get that mentally tweaked by the squirrels, who can blame Coco?

MORE: And what more proof do we need of Squirrel Derangement Syndrome than the Godwin Law violation above?

At least Coco has not brought up Hitler in the context of squirrels.

Yet.