Dave Matthews is the Anti-Christ

I don’t actually believe in the Anti-Christ, but I’ve just been made aware of a conspiracy so dark and so ugly that I had to share it with the world: Dmitry Medvedev is actually 90s has-been faux-rocker Dave Matthews. My girlfriend pointed it out, and I was stunned to learn the truth!

If you’re not convinced, then consider this description of Dave Matthews from the Best Page in the Universe (and who can argue with that?):

His music can be heard in Whole Foods stores, Live Earth concerts, or blasting from the speakers of open-topped Jeeps parked on curbs everywhere. The typical fan is either some dude wearing khaki cargo shorts replete with dangling rock climbing hooks, even though he doesn’t hike because he can’t afford to drive his gas-guzzling Jeep, or some chick with huge boobs, buck teeth, and an ankle-length floral skirt that she twirls around like an idiot because she thinks her awesome boobs give her enough social capital to make up for the buck teeth and hairy toes (they don’t).

We already know about the dark secrets of the Whole Foods organic empire, and what could be more militaristic than the co-opting of the Jeep, not to mention their military style garb? And just what sort of gas are these Dave Matthews fan using in those Jeeps? You better believe it comes from mother Russia!
Now here’s where their program gets a little tricky: trading in social capital? When capital becomes social, that way leads communism, my friends. Or should I say comrades?
Now I’m sure there are still a bunch of godless skeptics out there who will still have their doubts (even with the incontrovertible photographic evidence above!) and so I will leave you with this: Dave Matthews and Dmitry Medvedev have the same initials: D.M. which also happens to be the abbreviation for Dungeon Master!
Think about it!