Nick Packwood (the great Ghost of a Flea) has told me I’m “it” — by passing along the following challenge:

“Following this is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers. OF COURSE you all without blogs are welcome to play along in comments!”

What would I do? In a comment the other day, I speculated about what the Flea would do, so I guess I was asking for something like this.
Sigh.
Here are my five choices (and the extended list follows):

  • If I could be a missionary I’d convert Pagans to Christianity, and Christians to Paganism, and then back again, following which I’d ask each of the twice-converted to write 50,000 word essays ruminating on the “culture war” aspects of such conversion to be published in this blog — thus allowing me to take at least several years off….
  • If I could be a llama-rider I’d make the Llama Butchers lull my llama into a false state of security by playing Mozart while they sharpen the knives….
  • If I could be a proctologist I’d simply commit suicide, as there are too many undiagnosed assholes in need of treatment, and I wouldn’t be able to cope with the strain.
  • If I could be a judge I would dismiss every case I deemed frivolous, shred all court records to confound any appeals, and impose sanctions like this on any attorney who complained.
  • If I could be a Jedi I would immediately start a transparently fake campaign of appeasement to annoy Darth Vader, in pursuance of my dangerous crackpot theory that ridicule can distract warriors.
  • Here’s the list as forwarded to Nick:

    If I could be a scientist…
    If I could be a farmer…
    If I could be a musician…
    If I could be a doctor…
    If I could be a painter…
    If I could be a gardener…
    If I could be a missionary…
    If I could be a chef…
    If I could be an architect…
    If I could be a linguist…
    If I could be a psychologist…
    If I could be a librarian…
    If I could be an athlete…
    If I could be a lawyer…
    If I could be an innkeeper…
    If I could be a professor…
    If I could be a writer…
    If I could be a backup dancer…
    If I could be a llama-rider…
    If I could be a bonnie pirate…
    If I could be a midget stripper…
    If I could be a proctologist…
    IIf I could be a TV-Chat Show host…
    If I could be an actor…
    If I could be a judge…
    If I could be a Jedi…

    I have to add five more? OK, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, and, er, IRS Commissioner. Oh, and Indian Chief.
    Done.
    Now who gets to be “it”? (Do I have to do this? I’m no good at games….)
    I don’t like to make anyone feel obligated, but if I absolutely have to tag five bloggers, I guess I’ll tag John Beck, Sean Kinsell, and Persnickety. And Harkonnendog should stand by at least as a backup…
    (Whew! Glad that responsibility is over.)
    UPDATE: It is my fervent hope that the serious traffic coming this way from Lord Vader means that my appeasement plan is being considered carefully. If history shows anything, it is that peace can be used to the advantage of the dark side. It is always in the interest of those who love peace to do whatever is necessary to avoid forcing Lord Vader to station a garrison nearby!
    AND MORE: The idea of Peace In Our Time is really starting to ignite old memories and spark my imagination!


    Is not politics the art of the possible?
    UPDATE: I now see that I’m extremely close to my one-millionth page view — a magic and miraculous milestone I will most likely pass before tonight is over. My special thanks to Lord Vader’s many minions for making this happen.
    (I’m afraid I’m now indebted to the Dark Side!)
    CORRECTION: Persnickety just emailed me and pointed out that I misspoke above — saying five bloggers when I meant three! (It’s five occupations and three bloggers.)
    UPDATE (05/05/05): As a few Darth Vader fans might still be trickling in, I thought they might enjoy this report from Jim Geraghty, a reluctant Palpatine/Vader 2005 campaign correspondent. (Via Glenn Reynolds, who still doesn’t have an ewok in this fight.)