This convention is boring! I wanted excitement and I think everyone else does too! So what to do, huh? Huh? Here’s my big idea.
What I wanna see is John Kerry fighting Wolfman.
Don’t you dare laugh. It’s perfect, see. For many reasons.
First John Kerry gets to dress up in tails and an opera cape. It is SO perfect for him! See, the cape hides his thin, insect-like limbs. Aaaand, he’s a natural aristocrat, so he will finally look all comfortable and stuff. And the outfit goes with his head.
He LOOKS undead, so this is like PERFECT branding for him!
So anyway, here’s how I see it playing out…
The stage is dark, see …spotlight on Elsa Heinz Lanchester.
She’s got high hair with a dyed platinum squiggle in it.
Major Goth identification.
She’s leading Al Gore on a leash, and he’s made up to look like Frankenstein.
The monster that is, not the mad scientist, that will be Bill Clinton…Anyway, he’s you know …Big…and he’s got these honkin’ bolts in his neck and best of all, he’s GREEN, get it?
Maybe this will be too subtle…
Anyway, Teresa Lanchester says to Green Gore, ‘Our power grows weaker and weaker’ and he’s all like, inarticulate and stuff.
And she’s like, ‘ Our age is past, I can smell it in the air…the water…the earth…The Villagers come, with Fire and Cold Iron…’ and Al, he’s like moping up a storm.
Cue the dry ice and (small) explosion…It’s Count Dracula! (really it’s just John F. Kerry dressed up as Dracula). Would college kids in the audience be scared, do you think? Oh who cares, “Screw Them” hahaha.
Anyway John F. Kerry turns to Elsa Heinz and makes this really really arrogant face, like a…sneer or something…and the audience can tell she really digs it. We may have to use some body language here.
And John Kerry makes this sweeping, imperious gesture, and She’s all like UNABLE TO RESIST!
And he’s all ‘Fear them not, for know that I HAVE that POWER! ….and Frankenstein (Al Gore) is instantly down on his knees, slobbering and weeping and stuff, and Elsa Kerry is all hypnotically approaching him, like a bird and a freakin’ SNAKE man, when theres this shhh-thump…shhhh-thump…shhhh-thump and out comes Jimmy Carter all dressed up like the Mummy in rolls of cardigan mufflers, dragging his leg like the real Mummy would!
(Note: Is Jimmy Earl physically capable of this? Check w/doctors first)
The crowd will like seeing the old geezer, but it’s a cameo only, see. We keep focus on the candidate.
The Mummy will be like, all muttering in some weird egypto-mummytalk and John Kerry will just crook his fingers all sinister kung fu style and Jimmy will bow down and Make Obeisance to him. It’s a new Party, baby!
But, all this is just…the…warm-up!
There should be a crash of thunder and lightning and then out runs Wolfman!
But… its really Howard Dean! Yeeargh!!! YEEEARGGHHH!!!
He should be dressed in authentic Wolfman get-up, torn pants, no shirt, raggedy open vest. No shoes!
And then they fight. They grapple. They clinch tight, then break, then grapple more. Finally, after a hellacious, special effects laden ASS KICKING, complete with Crouching Tiger style mid-air wirework, they wind it down.
And Kerry is all suave and cool, he just stands there giving Dean The Look.
And Dean is all panting and bloody and whining with excitement, and he growls and snaps at the air.
And Kerry just stands there without a hair out of place and looks down his nose and smiles a tiny, cold smile.
And Dean says ‘ Gives it back…We wants it…’
And Kerry is like ‘Your time is ended…slink now, back to your obscure rustic hole, and I may yet spare your plebeian life’.
And Dean is like…wait for it…’Yeearggh!!!’ (It should be his best one yet, I think) And he leaps! And Kerry does a super-kung fu move and sends him just flying!
And Kerry says ‘That is not dead which can eternal lie…Think you to fight ME little doggy? I, who commanded troops in Vietnam, long before you were born? My electoral strength is TEN times that of yours! Begone!’
And he just stands there looking all bad.
And Dean leaps again, but now we see that the whole big fight from before was just Kerry TOYING with Dean, cause now Dean is getting his clock cleaned and Kerry is just twitching his fingers in cryptic mystical patterns, and Dean is getting the TAR beat out of him, nolo contendere!
But he’s a plucky one he is, and won’t quit till he’s decked cold, at which point Kerry raises his upper mantislimbs in an unholy invocation of The Dark, and Heinz Elsa is just looking at him like, ‘Oh! Now John….Now…Now…NOW! (And so are Jimmy and Al) and then she goes over and KICKS WolfDean, and he screams like a little girl…and Kerry is all with that cold, small smile….
And then Elsakerry says ‘What shall we do with him my master?’
And Kerry is like ‘His fate need not concern such a one as you’
And then Dr. Frankenstein and Igor come onstage, but it’s really Bill and Hillary dressed up in costume, and that is just so funny, cause they’ll be dressed as DOCTORS! Well, anyway…. I thought it was funny… and they drag Wolfman off.
And then Frankenstein and Mummy leave too.
And then it’s just Dracula and The Bride.
And he’s all, ‘Come to me my love…feed my hunger…forever.’
And she’s all, ‘YES!…YES!!’
Fade to Black.
Now, that’s what I wanna see…
With apologies to Frank J., Universal Studios, and Abdul Al-Hazred.