OK, so it’s not Friday!
To anyone who missed the online tests yesterday, I asked everyone to please donate to the Spirit of America. I have no way of knowing whether anyone did, so I am a bit conflicted over what to do. The usual pattern here has been to offer four tests, but I only found two “normal” tests — both of which generated humiliating results! (The second one was so disturbing that I decided to verify the results, which I added for a total of four tests.)
The first test — “Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You?” — said I was Hooper.

Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You? Take the test here

I did love Chasing Amy, but I didn’t particularly identify with Hooper, so I’m not sure about the soundness of this test.
(Via res gestae dionysii, who got to be Holden!)
The other test — Who is Your Alter Poet? — is puzzling, because I don’t think of myself as a poet at all. But I guess if you have to be a poet, suicide would give some intensity to your work.
Eh, you got Plath. Sucks for you.

Who is Your Alter Poet?
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Also from res gestae dionysii — who gets to be Kerouac. This stuff really is so unfair. I. Just. Can’t. Take. It. Any. More.
I smell gas.
Better go investigate!
Let me check….
Oh what the heck! Here are two more vital tests, for signs of death….
I bear no responsibility for the spelling, but here’s the first result:
Your more dead than alive.
Are you Dead?
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What more proof do I need than that?
Well, how about this?

You will die of a mishap during AUTOEROTIC
This is the technical term for your common practice
of masturbating with your head in a noose. As
you already know, the lack of oxygen from
hanging yourself greatly increases your orgasm.
What you don’t know is that the key is to keep
a lemon segment in your mouth. That way, once
you start to pass out, your jaw will clamp
down, and the sour lemon taste will jolt you
into consciousness in time to avoid death by
You will be the secret shame of your entire
extended family as well as subject of a
mass-forwarded email.
If only you had remembered the lemon. Tsk. Well, at
least you’ll go out with a bang.

What death by freak accident will bring you worldwide infamy?
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What can I say? When you gotta come go, you gotta go?
What’s that about the lemon segment in the mouth? I must have gotten distracted in the kitchen while playing silly Sylvia Plath games.
I think I’m about up to my neck with these online tests…..