If there's one thing I can't stand, it's having canker sores. (I've had 'em all my life, and they come and go without apparent reasons.) The medical term for these small mouth ulcers is aphthous stomatitis, and medical science not only cannot cure them, there aren't any treatments which can truly be called satisfactory. Hell, they don't even know what causes these buggers; stress, mouth trauma, heredity, autoimmune disorders, certain foods -- who knows?

What started me on this latest adventure was reading about a possible connection between aphthous sores and inflammatory bowel syndrome. While I don't suffer from the latter condition, many years ago I noticed that tobacco and the opiates have in common the remarkable ability to slow the intestinal motility. So last summer, when a friend was suffering from a bout of inflammatory bowel syndrome (and didn't want to go to the doctor), I suggested that he try dipping some smokeless tobacco.

It worked -- like a charm. I forgot all about that, but then recently, when I had a serious aphthous attack, I thought, "Hey, if this is related to IBS, and if tobacco works for IBS, then why not give it a try?"

The problem is I am not a tobacco user, so I put off becoming my own guinea pig as long as I could stand it. One of the things I decided to do was check the Internet. I figured, who knows? Maybe some crank has tried it out and has something to say.

I was amazed to find at least half a dozen solid medical references as well as published articles in scientific journals, all confirming my suspicion: indeed, tobacco both prevents and cures aphthous stomatitis!

Here's a typical excerpt:

APHTHOUS ULCERS AND FEVER BLISTERS. Recurring aphthous ulcers, or canker sores, are exquisitely painful and very common, affecting 10-20% of the general population and as much as 50% of health professionals. Rather than producing or inducing this ulcerative disorder, tobacco smoking seems to prevent its occurrence or diminish its effects. Aphthae frequently begin to appear or reappear in persons who stop smoking, and almost all (96%) affected individuals are nonsmokers. Canker sores are likewise less prevalent in smokeless tobacco users than in nonusers. The reasons for this "protection" are unclear, but may be related to an increased mucosal keratinization or a reduced immune attack against the bacterial antigens thought to trigger ulcer formation. (Emphasis in original.)

Frankly, I was very surprised to read this. I had no idea that any reputable medical journal would print anything favorable about tobacco.

(We wouldn't want the tobacco companies to find out about this, would we? Am I even allowed to write about this in my blog? Why, I thought tobacco was downright evil!)

Oh, I almost forgot to report my results: I put up with a couple of days of one tobacco dose each evening (I used one Copenhagen SKOAL pouch for each "treatment" -- and spat them out when the giddiness would finally overcome me). I started with a huge sore, about the same size as the one in this picture. After just one day, it was noticeably better. Now, four days later, it's gone! Usually they take two weeks to go away.

This is miraculous enough that I would recommend it as a treatment to any aphthous sufferer -- bearing in mind, of course, that this is a highly addictive drug. (I am not kidding about the latter being a serious risk.)

PLEASE NOTE: This post was not paid for by any of the tobacco companies or their political lobbying organizations.